


nevertheless, i miss you

by hopelessrdj



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Guilt, M/M, Post-Endgame, Resurrection, Spells & Enchantments, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2020-05-13 19:01:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19257271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopelessrdj/pseuds/hopelessrdj
Summary: After the events of endgame Stephen Strange can't deal with his guilt. Eaten by his conscience he looks for the spell to undo the tragic death of earth's mightiest hero. He's close to giving up when one day he manages to bring Tony back to life... but does he, really?





	1. Chapter 1

He's been exhausted and beaten when he came back from the nightmare dimension. He fell from the portal, blood dried on his cheeks, muscle exhausted and life force drained. Everything he could ask for right now is a bath and a few hours of sleep.

“Missed me, Stephen?”

The sorcerer looked up and saw a familiar, smiling face. Warm brown eyes looking at him with the familiar twinkle, a mug full of warm herbal tea in hand.

“I always do”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_At first it was sloppy and absolutely unexpected. He would walk around the sanctum and find a familiar figure leaning on the Cauldron of Cosmos._

_Other times he'd walk into the library right behind him with a book in hand and a comment about the ridiculousness of it all dancing on his lips._

_Stephen never took Tony for the shy type but for unknown reason he didn’t come around when Wong was visiting._

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

He remembered vividly coming back to life after the decimation was reversed. The battle, the flood, the pain of watching Tony sacrifice himself for the greater good. The guilt when he watched his family taking in their last moment together. The absolute numbness while watching the arc reactor float away.

What he didn’t remember was coming back home. Fulfilling his duties. Many guilt filled weeks following the funeral. He had no memory of reading any of the books lying messily on his desk that scored him more than one reprimand from Wong.

But nothing could make him forget the day he found the spell. Written in a language he didn't fully understand, promising something he thought he couldn’t have. He wanted to blame it on the guilt, the pain, the sleep deprivation or the mixture of all. He didn’t. And when he said the quiet incantation he only blamed himself.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

At first he thought it didn’t work. It’s been two days and he secretly checked up with the Avengers and Pepper, but neither seemed to show any signs of Tony's presence. For another 3 days he made sure to check the news in case a particular billionaire made a come back. He didn’t. And Stephen was starting to lose hope.

On the 6th day his plan was to meet with S.H.I.E.L.D representative but the pain in his hands was unbearable. By the time his alarm clock rings he's still lying in bed, unmoving, unable to sleep, pretending that meditation actually helps and fighting the urge to swallow the entire bottle of painkillers. Tea crosses his clouded mind for a few seconds but he leaves the idea behind when he looks down and sees the injured limbs trembling more than they usually do.

“You know, Doc, you could have just asked for a stabiliser it’s not like i cant build it”

Stephen’s eyes snapped back open and he had to blink a few times to make sure he’s not dreaming, because right there, leaning on the side of his bed stood one and only Tony Stark, lips settled in his characteristic smirk.

“Missed me, asshole?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Performing the spell quickly became a habit. Silently repeated incantation flowed from his lips like a silent prayer. He didn't have to repeat it daily. Not at first at least.

Deep inside his mind he knew he's overdoing it and tried to restrict himself. He swore he tried. But he needed it. He needed the soft brown eyes looking into his, the strong calloused hands massaging his own when they hurt.

If someone ever asked he wouldn't admit to purposefully avoiding reading the warnings. Because why would he? It's not like there's something dangerous in this spell.

It's just to ease his mourning. To make the day a little better. To make his future a little less lonely. It's not like he was hurting anyone. Wasn't he?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 _The first few days were the worst_.  _When he would appear out of thin air and start talking to Stephen who was deeply focused on his book, nearly giving him a heart attack. Or when he would point a finger to the certain sentence that caught his eye without earlier announcing his presence._

_Sometimes he wants to touch his hand. Or run his fingers through the greying hair. But he wouldn't dare interrupt the fragile sense of peace he's feeling right now._

_Instead he listens to Tony's whining about how there has to be science behind all this because magic doesn't really exist._

_He takes a deep breath and swears he's surrounded by the well known smell of machines and oil._

_✧_ _･ﾟ_ _: *_ _✧_ _･ﾟ_ _:*_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_ _✧_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_ _✧_

Two warm herbal teas stand on the counter, steam coming out from them and slowly disappearing. Two brown eyes are staring at it disapprovingly a hint of disappointment written on the man’s handsome face.

“Tea”

“Indeed”

Trembling hands embrace one of the mugs allowing the warm sensation to ease the pain in those tired fingers, strong smell of peppermint hitting his senses. He takes a deep inhale.

“This is torture. It’s torture. You’ll hear from my lawyer”

The shorter man says, before warily inhaling the scent and touching the liquid with just the tip of his tongue to taste it. Then, slowly, he takes a tiny sip and swallows while grimacing.

“You can’t do this to me. I need my coffee. Fresh roasted Arabica. And I need it now. I can’t work without it”

Stephen takes a moment to think about it. It wasn’t exactly true. He saw Tony working on a few small things, sitting on the old leather couch with blueprints laying around the table, his tongue sticking out when he’s focusing.

But he’s no longer involved in any bigger projects. He doesn’t build new suits, Stephen is not even sure he visits his lab anymore. Whenever Peter comes around the sorcerer asks him if he got any new suit updates but he’s always met with boy’s sad gaze.

The thought made him look at Tony, currently halfway through his peppermint tea he claims to hate so much, and wonder what caused the change. What made him leave the suit behind.

As he gives up and summons a cup of fresh black coffee he wonders if the engineer is happy. He almost asks the question when those warm brown shimmering eyes look at him as if they could stare straight into his soul.

The words die on his tongue

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_It took practice. Lots of practice and more focus than any of the spells he worked on lately. But it was worth it, oh so worth it._

_Tony would no longer startle him with his presence. He’d knock on the doorframe before entering the library or cough when he saw Stephen preparing breakfast in the kitchen._

_He’d join him for a walk in the rainy autumn weather with the scarf wrapped tightly around his throat, sunglasses on his nose and that stupid baseball hat on his head, looking extremely weird in the current weather_

_“Disguise” he would call it when the sorcerer starts his daily teasing. Tony’s hands shake a little bit from the wind._

_And if he wants to hold them who can blame him._

_He puts them in his pockets instead._


	3. Chapter 3

Occasionally he’d meet up with Rhodey. He was the only avenger Stephen agreed to work with. Every week they’d see each other and discuss the threats they had to deal with.

Every other week he asks the Sorcerer to join the team, help them train the new recruits, allow them to help him in his fight against the mystical threats. Every single time he politely declines the offer

Whenever he’s feeling brave enough, he’d ask Rhodey how he’s doing. Sometimes he’s met with a brief “good”. Sometimes, if a day is particularly bad James would tell him a story about MIT.

About him and Tony against the world, believing they could do everything together, about him often getting in trouble because Tony tried to outsmart the professor (again). He'd talk about how boring his life seems to be now that he doesn't have to save his sorry ass every other week

Sometimes he’ll show him a picture of Morgan and say she has Tony’s eyes and is growing to be a smartass and already causing Pepper some trouble. He'd mention how well she manages with being a single mother and running a company, how proud Tony would be if he saw her now.

He tells him about Peter and Happy taking turns at babysitting the girl and how much she loves the bedtime stories they tell her about The Avengers saving the world and how she claims Iron man is her favourite hero. 

"We promised you'll make her a balloon animal at the birthday party" he jokes on one of his better days 

Other times he would just order some whiskey to forget how much he misses his best friend.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_Stephen often found himself wondering why Tony wouldn’t appear whenever someone familiar was around. He’d just walk out of the room when Wong’s heavy footsteps were heard at the top of the stairs._

_Whenever an invitation to join his weekly dinners with Rhodey was given he’d just smile sadly and slowly shake his head then take a sit at one of the old leather couches and pretend to read despite holding his book upside down._

_He wondered what was it that stopped Tony from joining them and sometimes he wanted to just grab his arm and push him through the portal right into the restaurant they choose this week._

_He never did though. He wasn’t ready to touch him yet._

_✧_ _･ﾟ_ _: *_ _✧_ _･ﾟ_ _:*_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_ _✧_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_ _✧_

“How is he” the engineer asks when waiting for Stephen to finish the chapter becomes too hard and he runs out of patience. He starts to fidget when he's not given the attention immediately and sighs loudly.

The Sorcerer doesn’t give him the satisfaction though and reads two more pages before putting the book down on the table and summoning two teas. He swears he can see Tony rolling his eyes.

“He’s… trying his best” he says and wonders how much is he allowed to share without hurting the man. 

So he talks about new recruits and how tired Rhodey is with them all, how Peter was supposed to help him out but instead just plays around acting like big brother, how well him and Harley are getting along now that the boy joined the avengers.

He wants to talk about Pepper and Morgan too but something deep inside him won’t let him do it even if he tried. Later, alone in bed, the guilt consumes him anyway.

“Did he ask about me” the question is silent and somehow sad, his voice sleepy while his head rests on Stephen’s shoulder with his eyes closed and lips slightly apart

Before he can answer the man’s breathing evens out and he’s asleep. The tea forgotten on the wooden table as the Sorcerer with assistance from his Cloak carries Tony to the bedroom and gently tucks him in.

The trembling fingers brush  the unruly locks from the man’s forehead as his head lies gently on the feather pillow

“I’m afraid you’re still dead to him” Stephen answers truthfully, knowing that there’s no one who can hear him now

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_They were in the library when they first did it. When after months of avoiding any contacts they finally touched._

_It was quick and unexpected from his side. They were reading, each one of them on different side of the couch when Tony got bored and put his book back on the table_

_He was eyeing Stephen for a while before deciding on invading his personal space, fingers curling around his bicep, head resting on his arm, questions falling from his lips slowly._

_The moment was peaceful. It felt almost domestic with the fireplace cracking behind them while rain tapped silently on the window._

_But when Stephen looked over and tried to put his scarred hand on top of calloused one he swore he caught it slipping right through it._

_He slowly starts to panic and before Tony can finish another question he runs out to collect himself. He looks into the mirror and slowly, surly repeats the spell._

_When he comes back Tony looks concerned but slips right back into his arms. This time when he covers his hand all he can feel is the warmth of other person’s skin and a sense of relief coming right through him_


	4. Chapter 4

He sits straight in the armchair standing by the fireplace trying to keep his gaze neutral as Wong settles on the couch with a sigh while looking at he mess that New York Sanctum has become.

  
“How you’ve been doing lately? It’s been a while since you visited Kamar-Taj”

  
“I’m fine” he says and conjures two teas, warm enough to soothe the coldness that he felt deep inside his bones, but not hot enough to burn “Great actually, no threats. Just me and the books, as you can see”  
Wong sighs again and Stephen has to admit to himself he’s been doing it a lot more than he used to. Sometimes he wonders if he’s the reason. For a moment Wong looks like he wants to say something but drinks his tea instead, following it with a question about what he was doing last week.

  
He mentions seeing Rhodey and talking to Peter on the phone, about looking through the files of new Avengers candidates and how he’s been asked to give his opinion.

What he doesn’t tell him is how warm Tony’s hand felt on his arm when they touched for the first time. How comforting his breath on Stephen’s neck felt when they fell asleep together. And how familiar his body felt with Mechanics tender touches that turned more frequent day by day

Wong tells him it sounds like he had fun.

  
Stephen politely agrees.

  
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

  
_Sometimes Stephen thinks Tony is there simply to haunt him. To make his guilt even more prominent than it already is. His presence for the last weeks has been both a blessing and a curse._

  
_Because deep inside he knew things could have been so much different now. If he was just a little bit stronger, just a little bit faster, looked into a bit more futures._

  
_Or if he was the one to use the stones instead_

  
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

  
Christine looks up at him from the file, her eyes wider than he’s ever seen them before.

“How did i miss that” she mumbles more to herself than him anyway “I’ll be right back” she manages to say, phone in hand already on the line with Metro General.

  
Stephen would lie if he said he didn’t enjoy her visits and little questions about the cases she was currently working on. It made him feel needed, despite being out of the medical world for years now he couldn’t stop checking the news and keeping up to date with all the inventions. And knowing he was still considered one of the greatest brains out there really didn’t help his ego.

  
“You were right. Obviously. Sometimes I hate you for it, you know?” She said after sitting back on the small leather couch the Sanctum common room had to offer. Wide smile visible on her beautiful face that Stephen used to see on daily faltering lightly the longer she looked at him “How have you been holding up. After all the world saving?”

  
Stephen focuses on the little lines that haven’t been near her eyes and lips when he last saw her and it finally dawns on him how much he missed during those 5 long years of decimation. She was still lovely and beautiful, and she was aging with grace.

  
“Better than expected” he answers not sure himself if he’s lying or telling the truth “” Knowing that Nicodemus is 5 years closer to the retirement”

  
Her melodic laugh lightens up the place. With the corner of his eye he catches Tony looking at her, small smile gracing his lips as well.

  
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

  
_He doesn’t even need the book to use the spell anymore. He knows it like the back of his hand or more if he has to be honest. He doesn’t really know when he started treating it like a morning prayer and an evening, before bed ritual but he did. And if Tony notices it he never even says a word._

  
_Stephen likes to think they’re happy. With their books, and blueprints and looking at the folders and videos of new recruits that Rhodey sends them every week. With short calls from Morgan and Pepper that Tony never actively takes part in but loves listening to._

  
_Sometimes when Christine or Wong are around Tony would be brave enough to walk through the room. They’re polite enough to pretend not to notice his heavy steps._  
_And when they lay in bed later at night talking about how great the day was none of them mentions the moment when a heavy cup slipped from Tony’s hand and some of it’s contents landed on Christine’s scrubs._

  
_Neither of them mentions her lack of reaction as well_

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Wong's next visit was neither expected nor pleasant. The portal opened, startling Stephen in the middle of the night. 

He quietly left the room trying not to wake Tony up while silently shutting the door. Wong's expression has clearly been displeased and Stephen didn't understand why. Until he saw the familiar book lying at the coffee table. He swore he felt his blood run cold.

"What were you thinking. Were you even thinking, Stephen?" he said, voice as calm as it has always been "It's ancient magic. No one has used it for centuries for a reason!"

The lack of response from his side made Wong's stare a little bit softer, before he sat down on the armchair heavily. 

"I should have seen the signs." he said. When he looked up again his eyes seemed to look through Stephen instead of looking at him "I know it may feel real. But it's not. It's a hallucination Strange and it's eating you alive. Each time you use this spell you shorten your own life in exchange for a few hours spend with a dead man"

  
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

  
Peter managed to convince him to go see the new recruits in person. It’s been the first time he’s ever going to see the compound rebuild from it’s ashes in all it’s glory, ready to avenge the world again if needed.  
If Stephen is impressed he hides it well.

  
The training field is bigger than he expected it to be. Not that it really surprises him, the compound has been rebuild using Tony’s plans and he’s always been all in for spacious places. Stephen thinks he’d love to see it filled with life.

  
When he first sees the iron suit he feels his breath caught up in his throat. A minute passes by, then another, but when the face plate is lifted on he sees a familiar face. Not he one he’s been expecting though. Harley Keener stands there, training mission finished with success, smirk on his face while Peter smiles wide at him.

  
The Sorcerer makes a mental note to tell all about this to Tony later, cause he knows he’d love to hear how the kids he treated as his own were doing.

  
This day he’s feeling extremely generous and when Rhodey asks him to help in one of the training missions he politely agrees. He sees the kids’ eyes light up at the mention of the sorcerer.  
It’s only when Pepper asks him if he’d like to stay for dinner when he feels a familiar pang of guilt as he walks away after politely declining her offer.

  
“Ready to go, Stephen?” he hears Tony say as the elevator doors close

  
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

  
_Stephen haven’t really been sad, grieving or depressed as everyone expected him to be after what he saw and experienced during the battle of titan. Surprisingly he’s been doing better than anyone, himself included, expected him to._

  
_And if it was because he was in denial no one really had to know._


	5. Chapter 5

“I heard you. I was not supposed to hear you” if Stephen was panicking a little bit he would have never admitted it out loud. The obvious confusion visible on Tony’s face didn’t make it easier at all.

“Stephen, I’m pretty sure you’ve been hearing me for weeks. Isn’t that the point?”

Stephen groaned and massaged the bridge of his nose thinking how to explain it to Tony.

“Yes it is. But I purposefully didn’t use the spell today. I wasn’t supposed to hear you. You shouldn’t even be here!” He presses the palms of his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears from gathering.

There’s a sound of fabric rustling as Tony moves closer and puts his head on Stephen’s shoulder. His warm and gentle hands cover cold and shaking ones delicately prying them away from the sorcerers face and forcing him to look down at him.

“It’s okay” he says quietly giving Stephen his best bambi eyes.

Stephen had never wanted to cry more in his entire life.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_He liked to watch Tony sleep. Peaceful, calm, his breath steady and warm against his neck._

_When he looked like this it was almost as if Titan never happened, the stones never existed, and Thanos never took his world away from him. When he looked like this Stephen could almost pretend he never had to watch him die._

_Only that… he did. More than once._

_He wanted to say I’m sorry. Forgive me. Come back._

_He wanted to tell him he loves him._

_He wanted to pretend he deserved to have him._

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Stephen looks inside his mug as if the tea leaves floating in there are the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen in his life. Tony who’s sitting across the table looks at him cautiously sensing his unease. The silence hanging heavily in the room around them.

“Are you real?”

Tony looks at him with surprised glint in his warm brown eyes

“What do you mean?” he asks rising an eyebrow and causing the wizard to look up, his gaze sad and focused on the short man in front of him

“Are you really here? Or am I just losing my mind and wasting time like Wong thinks I am?”

He observes Tony as the other thinks of the answer. The strong calloused hands holding his black heavy mug of fresh roasted arabica, slightly damp hair from the light rain they were coming back home in. The mannerisms and details so unique, so essentially Tony. He doubted his mind would ever be able to come up with something so real and so perfect.

“Well I’m not really a ghost if that’s what you’re talking about” He says staring deeply into Stephen’s blue eyes “I guess I’m only as real as you think I am”

Stephen couldn’t decide if this made him real or not.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_Sometimes being with Tony made the whole world stop spinning. In those rare moments when their hands touched or their eyes met with their laughs reverberating in the room it almost felt like nothing else mattered apart from here and now._

_Stephen wishes it could have stayed that way forever. But it never did._

_Cause when the morning comes Tony is not in their bed. And the Sanctum is free of his presence. And until he murmurs the spell like a prayer the only thing filling those dark rooms is his own heavy loneliness._

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

It was a quiet morning. That turned into the quiet afternoon. With the promise of becoming a quiet night, or so the sorcerer hoped. But he was rarely given the things he truly wants.

As the portal opens in the middle of the common room in the sanctum he starts looking around noticing the mess, the books lying everywhere, empty mugs that he and Tony left around the place, the general disarray of the place that used to look so neat. He notices the sad and disappointed look Wong gives him and looks away pretending not to see it

“It’s been a while” he says, lacking anything better to say

“I’ve been here yesterday” Wong comments studying his best friend and reading him like an open book.

Stephen thinks back to all the things he did lately and he refuses to believe it has only been a day. He feels like he went through hell and back lately, with his mind clearly pulling tricks on him. He wonders if it’s a test. If maybe it’s been a week but Wong is trying to check his focus. But the look on his best friend’s face tells him otherwise.

He wonders if this is what losing yourself feels like.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

_Sometimes Tony’s presence scared him. Not because of something he did or said._

_But simply because he became a proof of how lost and desperate Stephen had become_

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

He barely listens to Wong explaining to him that his presence is required at Kamar-Taj. He keeps looking around the room, his gaze unfocused, constantly thinking if Tony is listening to their conversation somewhere around the corner.

“You can’t keep on doing it. We all gave you time to deal with this but it’s been almost a year and you’re a Sorcerer Supreme. You can’t stay here wallowing in self pity. It’s time for you to move on”

But how can he expect it from him. How can Stephen move on when the love of his life who should have been dead was holding his hand just this morning and hugging him from behind as he was preparing breakfast for them both.

“He’s more real to me than you are” he admits defeated his gaze on the floor

“You think you’re the only person affected by it? It’s been hard for everyone. So many people have mourned Tony for months. So many still are. But you’ve never even tried to accept it and you’re killing yourself for it”

“Get out” he says before his brain can register his words. The silent sound of a book placed on a table is the only thing accompanying Wong’s departure

“ I would like to tell you to take all the time you need. But I won’t. You need to accept what happened and move on. The elders have spoken. You’ve got the last night to say goodbye before the spell will be erased from existence”

The portal closes behind him and Stephen’s entire world collapses with it.


	6. Chapter 6

“you don’t really disagree with what Wong said, do you?” Tony asks sitting beside him on the small bed they share in one of the Sanctum bedrooms. His hand falls into Stephen’s messy locks and slowly strokes in order to bring him some well deserved calmness.

With the room so quiet that they can hear their own heartbeat and the sun slowly setting in the New York city the world is peaceful. So much more peaceful than it has ever been for either of them and it makes the bubble they lived in for the last 12 months slowly disappear.

“No. I don’t” he looks up and stares outside the window, the Stark Tower clearly visible on the outline of the city, rebuild an prospering, now painted in pink by the light glow of the sunset reflected in the windows “It’s our last night” the words slip from his tongue and make it all seem so final.

Before they know it they make their way to the roof. Enjoying the warm spring wind and thinking of all the promises they never got to make. He tries to focus on the calloused fingers tangled with his scarred ones.

“You know how people say that the world was spinning before you came and will spin after you go? And that we’re all just an unimportant part of it all and the universe doesn’t really care if you’re here or not” with the corner of his eye he can see Tony nodding in agreement “ it’s not true. It was never true, when it comes to you. You were such a big part of the universe. And I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Half of us wouldn’t”

Tony is listening to everything he says but won’t look at him. He takes in the view of the city for the last time, breathes in the air and focuses on the noises that seem both so close and yet so far away

“But as much as I would like it to. The world didn’t stop for me as the same time it did for you”

The mechanic turns around and looks at him with those deep brown eyes coloured with patterns of the night sky.

“No it didn’t. Which is why I think you should go back” He says as their fingers touch

“Yeah I probably should” is everything he can say while remaining calm and collected. He doesn’t want his voice to break.

He looks up and sees Tony smiling at him with one of his widest, softest smiles one of those that reach his eyes and show all of his teeth.

“Well, you didn’t get the chance the first time so I guess you should do it now”

“Do what”

Tony’s laugh is weirdly comforting during this silent night

“Say goodbye, asshole”

If you’d ask him the next day what exact words he said to Tony then he wouldn’t be able to answer. He wouldn’t recall a single one. But he didn’t have to. Cause this was only meant for Tony and his broken soul.

“I want… To thank you. For saving my life of course. For saving everyone’s life in fact.  
But also for putting up with… all the weight of the world on your shoulders. I didn’t ask you to use the stones. And if back then I knew what you were thinking I would have done whatever was in my power to stop you.

Because that was stupid. And you didn’t think did you. You probably got too caught up in all those years of being a hero and thought that this is the only way that you can repay for everything you’ve done in your life. That you have to be the one to make the sacrifice play.

But that was a dick move of you, you know? That’s not how you protect someone. And yes in the end it worked but do you know what you did to me? To Pepper? Or Rhodey? To Peter? How many people would have rather died than live in the world without you in it?

I want to say I didn’t feel guilty and I didn’t cry at all but this is my last chance to see you and I don’t want to lie to you. And I need you to know that the day I came back from your funeral I sat in the Sanctum and screamed and screamed and screamed until my lungs gave out and I couldn’t do it anymore just because of what you did.

For a moment I thought I hate you for doing this. Then I thought I hated Thanos for making you do this. In the end I realised that the only person I ever hated was myself for not being able to protect you.

I hated myself for not being strong enough, fast enough, for not looking into more futures, for not giving you the support you needed. For not being able to bring you back to life.

Because, by the Vishanti, Tony I needed you alive.

And that damn stupid idea of yours to take the stones and snap. You were only a human Tony. How could you think that this will work.

But the worst part is that it worked. It worked and I was fine. But you were not. And I can’t fucking believe you thought I was gonna let you get away with this one because I swear to you I will haunt you in the next life and all of the other lives we’ve got to live just to make you pay for it.

Or so I kept telling myself for the last year. But look where that got me. I lost the track of time and duties I  put aside just for the time I could spend with you, that wasn’t even real.

I should have spend it looking after your family instead. You would have probably liked that more, wouldn't you?

I’m not… I’m not going to insult your memory anymore by keeping you hanging like this. I will walk away and I will keep your legacy alive and make sure they remember you. But I’ll no longer keep you here in this world. When all you really need is rest.

I just… I wish I could see you one more time. To hug you. Or kiss you. Or just tell you I cared. More than you could have thought.

Or how beautiful some of those futures were for us. I fell in love with you 14 000 605 times Anthony Edward Stark but can you really blame me?

But this life… It’s not one of those lives. But I still have to live it. And I’m going to do it right.

Thank you for giving me that chance

Tony. You were the only person I ever truly loved. And you’ll be the last one I’ll ever love”

And with that Stephen lets him go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you think

**Author's Note:**

> be patient with me, english is not my first language.


End file.
